Gratitude as the Antidote to Worry

Worry has been taking up way too much space in my head lately. I have wasted hours of time being anxious over an ever expanding list of worries that include (but are certainly not limited to):

• consequences of the choices my children have made
• choices my children will make in the future
• choices I have made, am making, and will make
  
• quality of relationships with my husband, children and step-children
• my husband's relationships with my children and his children
  
• finances
• future career plans
• what I am eating or not eating
• how my jeans fit
• why my face is breaking out
• if we should go on vacation
  
• and on and on....

When The Worries come I wish I could just flip a switch that would fill my mind with so much gratitude that it would flush out all anxiety. I do believe this is possible with practice. One of my favorite quotes is from the movie "A Beautiful Mind", which is the story of John Nash's struggle with schizophrenia. He battles with identifying what is real and not real in his life, and eventually realizes that his "visions" are not real. After years of living successfully he is asked if he still sees these visions. He acknowledges that they are still in his mind but says that they are a "diet of the mind in which I choose not to indulge."

Even though the "visions" (i,.e, things to worry about) will always be with me, I want to develop the discipline, like John Nash, not to indulge in the "diet" of worry. I think the key to being successful on this "diet" is to replace the worry with gratitude on a daily (and sometimes hourly) basis.

What is good in my life? What do I have to look forward to? What makes me smile? What good things has God done for me? What promises does God have for my future? Dwell on these things...fill up on gratitude and worry will not have room.

Nearsightedness

The following is a retraction to last month's blog.

Since my childhood, I have been severely near-sighted and must wear corrective lenses to see anything more than a a few inches away from my face. Without my glasses or contacts, the world is a blur. Over the last few weeks, I am also realizing how spiritually near-sighted I am as well.

I spend most of my time looking right in front of me at my "trouble spots" and coming up with rules and restrictions to reign in the bad habits (hence the topic of last month's blog). I find myself frequently searching for the formula that will work to conquer the behaviors that I don't like in myself. I forget to put on my spiritual glasses that allow me to see the God that loves me, wants to help me grow and has the power to conquer anything! While the rules and restrictions work for awhile and are comfortable to me, they have not affected lasting change. I still eat too many sweets and I still buy things that I can't afford and then feel guilty..... Granted I see great improvements in many of my "trouble spots", but I think this has less to do with my success at following the rules and more due to God's grace manifesting itself in my life.

Freedom doesn't come from following a set of rules or by imposing restrictions.
Freedom comes when I quit focusing on me and focus on God.

This is a basic spiritual truth, one might wonder why someone who has been a Christ follower for many years would not have realized this before. Of course I have heard this preached from the pulpit and read these words in various contexts before. Yet it suddenly struck me a few weeks ago that while I have heard this truth previously, I really wasn't believing it and certainly wasn't acting on it.

I want to give up the idea of "self" control and shift to "God" control. I have been pondering what it means in day-to-day reality to focus on God and not on my self-imposed rules or restrictions. I am finding it hard to change the pattern of thought that I have to fix it all myself. I find myself still taking off my spiritual glasses, leaving God in a blur, and focusing either on a plan to do better or on my own inadequacies and failures. I wish there was some type of spiritual LASIK so that I could always see God with 20/20 vision.

Modern Slavery

I am consistently going on fasts. Last year I went on the CLEAN program (www.cleanprogram.com) and gave up sugar, alcohol and gluten (among other things). This year I joined the Great American Apparel Diet (www.thegreatamericanappareldiet.com) and vowed not to buy clothing and shoes for one year. Recently I listened to a lecture on the evils of fructose and now feel a new crusade coming on. I wonder why I feel drawn to very restrictive programs and why I throw myself in wholeheartedly (at least for awhile).

On the surface I join these programs to lose weight, be healthier, and spend less money. All very good reasons. But couldn't I just cut down on my food intake, choose healthy foods, and not go shopping? Unfortunately my "internal moderator" does not always work so good. Unchecked I am always seeking more....another cookie, another glass of wine, another black shirt. By committing to these programs (even for short fasts) it helps reset my "moderator".

While these have not been spiritual fasts —I am realizing that all of my crusades have been initiated (at least partially) in an attempt not to be a slave to anything and to be obedient to God. Sometimes it can be very discouraging when I do not keep the fast going as long as I think I should (a result of the high standards I often place on myself). Recently I have realized that even though I am not following the programs 100%, I have significantly changed previous patterns as a result of each fast. I eat much less processed food and sugar than an year ago and I have become a deliberate, thoughtful shopper.

Fasting cannot be a way of life, but I see it as a way to jump start behavior change and remove some of the handcuffs that keep us bound to potentially bad or unhealthy habits. So even though my family laughs at me whenever I start a new crusade —or becomes irritated when I throw out all the Gatorade in the house— I will continue to fast in order to make progress in this slow process of change.

For you are a slave to whatever controls you.
2 Peter 2:19 (NLT)

One Less in the Nest

The house is so quiet. It should seem peaceful, but it feels empty and just a bit sad.

It is not REALLY empty as my youngest son is still living at home. However he just got his drivers license and is enjoying his first taste of freedom and is rarely home when I am. We no longer have that driving in the car time where we were able to connect. Now I am having to deliberately and creatively think of ways to engage and connect with him (not so successfully at this point).

After the tumultuous prior months with my oldest son I thought I would relish his move to Minnesota to go to school. While I am thrilled that he has this opportunity to learn and mature, I am sharply feeling his absence.

I am feeling less needed, less connected, and less purposeful. My role as a mother is shifting (again) and I am floundering a bit as I figure out what mothering looks like and how it acts in this new season with my boys (and my daughter). It feels a bit like being lost. I am actively looking for the "right" path, but am having a hard time finding it. Sometimes I have a hard time deciphering where my map (the Word) wants me to go now and I just want to curl up on the path with a book and a bag of licorice worms and feel sorry for myself. Yet that gets old pretty quick and I realize that it is better to keep moving and trying and holding on to the promises of God. Even if I am not sure what they mean for me at the present moment, I trust that He will unveil the path for me at the right time.

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.
Genesis 28:15

Out of Focus

Life has been crazier than usual the last few months. I thrive on a full schedule and actually find myself more productive when I have a full plate of responsibilities. I like having to plan out in advance how to get everything accomplished. However the last few weeks have been a bit too much even for me. In addition to "regular" life tasks, I have taken on two additional projects at work, started attending a summer Bible study, taken two out of town trips, jogged in my first "race", helped my oldest son with financial and logistical details on moving out of state to go to school in two months, had stepdaughter and future son-in-law up to visit for the weekend, as well as planning and scheduling a variety of other summer events and activities. It seemed like the speed on the treadmill of life got turned up from 5.0 (where I am pretty comfortable) to a 7.0, and it has left me a bit breathless and tired.

I found myself getting progressively more depleted and wasn't even looking forward to seeing my stepdaughter - whom I really enjoy - because all I could think of was the cleaning, re-arranging of bedrooms, grocery shopping and cooking that needed to be done. I found myself so consumed with what "had to be done" each day that everything in my life was just a bit out of focus ("Just missing the focal point on a little bit of everything").

During a moment of pause during prayer time at Bible study I had some divinely inspired clarity. As my stress level had risen I realized that I had moved aside some things that were pretty important:

1. Time with God: two minutes of devotional reading and a distracted prayer while eating toast does not really focus you for the day.
2. Exercise: the running shoes sat in the back of the closet and the dogs were staring longingly at their unused leashes.
3. Healthy foods: traveling stresses all my good eating intentions and I seem to think that the calories in the big bag of licorice don't count if I eat them at 30,000 feet.

Human nature is so contrary - we should WANT to do these things that make us feel good in our body and soul, but I tend to be stubborn and often want the easy way out (TV, Facebook and cookies sometimes seems like a lot less work than scripture, jogging and green leafy vegetables). Also, once I get out of my routine - even for a few days - it is hard to resume.

However, last week, after my moment of pause at Bible study, I realized how out of focus life was becoming and made the conscious choice to put these three elements back into my life. While there have still been TV, Facebook and cookie moments, I have also spent time listening for God's direction, made lots of healthy smoothies and gotten the running shoes out of the closet.

Even though the pace of life will not be slowing down anytime soon, I see that these nourishing practices bring me encouragement and peace and allow me to experience life "in focus."

Prayer for the Broken Hearted and Wounded

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3

Heavenly Father, my [son/daughter/friend/loved one] has endured some pretty difficult experiences and picked up some hurts that no [one] should have to carry. In the midst of her pain, she has lost perspective of Your involvement in her life. I don't want her to be brokenhearted and wounded. Would you heal her hurts and restore her to health so she may be whole again? My prayer is that she would not be controlled by the damage in her life, but by the Holy Spirit, who can sustain her through any situation. Amen.

(Mark Gregston, Prayers For My Teen)

Parenting Quotes

I am having a serious case of writers block and am utterly distracted by the issues surrounding my children. It begins with concern and sadness over daughters relationship issues, anxiety over first sons possible relocation to school in Minnesota, and ends with trying to guide - but not take over - youngest sons aspirations to play college football. I have been staring at this empty page for about 2 hours now so instead of blogging I thought I would try to inspire myself (and maybe others) with some parenting quotes.

Parents are often so busy with the physical rearing of children that they miss the glory of parenthood, just as the grandeur of the trees is lost when raking leaves.
Marcelene Cox

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.
Anne Frank

Children keep us in check. Their laughter prevents our hearts from hardening. Their dreams ensure we never lose our drive to make ours a better world. They are the greatest disciplinarians known to mankind.
Queen Rania of Jordan

If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.
Abigail Van Buren

When correcting a child, the goal is to apply light, not heat.
Woodrow Wilson

The rules for parents are but three... love, limit, and let them be.
Elaine M. Ward

Nobody's family can hang out the sign: Nothing the matter here.
Chinese Proverb

Letting Go

In Anne Lamott's book "Grace (Eventually)" she recounts a story of teaching a Sunday School lesson to six-year olds on the meaning of "letting go". Her illustration struck me as a powerful and convicting metaphor.

"What does letting go mean?" I asked. The boys looked around at one another, worried as cats. "Let me show you," I said, and gripped two colored markers, one in each hand. "What if, when we go in for our snacks, someone offers me a juice box, and I won't let go of these pens, even though I am thirsty." I told them to watch, and you'd have thought I was doing a magic trick as I slowly unfurled my fingers and let the markers drop.

We all thought hard about this. "So why would you want to let go?" I asked.

One of the six-year olds answered, "Because you are thirsty?"

What "markers" am I clutching so tightly in my hands? I can certainly think of more than two, which makes my hands pretty full. And why do I continue to hold on to them when I am really in need of something else...something better?

"Markers" are not necessarily bad or sinful; they have a purpose and a time. However there are times when we need to let go of these things we are holding on to (good, bad or neutral) in order to get the nourishment that we need to mature. While it seems foolish to hold on to these things in our life when Someone is offering us what we need, I often find it hard to let go. I guess it might have something to do with not completely trusting that the "juice box" is going to quench my thirst, or that I can't have the "markers" and the "juice box" at the same time (the likely result being they would all fall on the floor in a mess).

This reminds me of the verse in Hebrews 12:1:
Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Jonah and Second Chances

I am seeing some interesting and somewhat disturbing similarities between this Biblical character that lived in the eighth century BC and my 18-year old son.

To my knowledge, Mitchell has not received a direct call from God to preach a message of coming doom as with Jonah and the Ninevites. However I know that God has called Mitchell to be one of his children. Like Jonah, Mitchell is "running away" from God (Jonah 1:3) and this has caused some very tumultuous storms to arise in his life that have "threatened to send [him] to the bottom" (Jonah 1:4). I have often feel like the sailors on the boat that said to Jonah, "What have you done to bring this awful storm upon us?" and I can truly relate to their act of throwing Jonah overboard to calm the storm! There were several times I wished I could do the same.

God sent a sea monster to save Jonah and he eventually repented and cried out to God. I am not sure who - or what - was Mitchell's sea monster or if he indeed cried out to God to save him as Jonah did. However I certainly did my share of crying out to God to save Mitchell from this seemingly impossible situation. This week God has answered my prayers as he did Jonah's. He has given Mitchell another chance. While I am sorry for the pain he is experiencing, I do think that God has "spit him up on the beach" (Jonah 2:10) to give him another chance.

I hope and pray that Mitchell will not waste his time in the storm and with the "monster", but will use this second chance to re-examine his faith and his anger at God. I pray that he will look at his future with a different perspective than previously. I hope that he does not follow in the path of Jonah who could not look beyond his own ideas of how God should act and his own pride to allow God to truly change his heart.

We are all Jonah. Our gracious God has given us so many "second" chances. I see that I have been like Jonah and sulked and complained because God chose to work in a way that I didn't understand. Yet, there have also been times of deep peace when I allowed my heart to be softened and believed that no matter the storms or the monsters I faced, God has a plan and it is good.

Joys and Fears of a Novice Skier

After a five year hiatus, I recently returned to the ski slopes despite some ambivalent feelings about the whole process of skiing. So here are five things that I hate (or fear) about skiing and five things that I love:

Skiings Fears:
1. Being shown-up by five year olds. There is something frustrating about standing in trepidation at the top of an intermediate level slope (that you got to by accident because you thought you were going up the GREEN chair lift) and watching a pack of kindergartners hop off the chair lift and then hurtle themselves down the (seemingly) 90 degree slope, skis pointing straight downhill. Their lack of fear is amazing and actually ends up being (somewhat) inspiring as I slowly navigate down the hill, making 187 REALLY wide, slow turns, snow plowing down the mountain with aching knees.

2. Looking like a giant panda. I am not a fan of ski clothes. I am certainly not in need of extra padding that snow pants and jackets add. I struggle with finding the right gear that will be functional and flattering. In reviewing photos of me I see quite a resemblance between myself and a giant panda.

3. Uncomfortable boots. Why do ski boots always have to be excruciatingly painful? They compress my calves in a vise-like grip, which after a few hours causes my toes to fall asleep and by the end of the day I cannot feel anything below my ankle except some shooting darts of pain. They are heavy and inflexible and impossible to walk in - especially when attempting to get hot chocolate or soda from the lodge and then navigate up and down stairs. The resort staff probably fix their cameras on the stairs so they can laugh at all the skiers in their clunky boot trying to carry liquid items or food trays. I would almost switch to snowboarding just to avoid the ski boots (almost....).

4. The chair lift. The anxiety of maneuvering myself on skis to get on and off the lift literally keeps me awake the night before the first day of skiing. There are so many things that can go wrong. To get ON the chair lift I must get the timing just right to get in position before the chair swings around and knocks me on my #$%. I have to work well with my fellow rider so that we do not get our skis intertwined or knock each other over as we wait for the chair to swing around and hit us on the #$%. Then there are a few blissful moments of peace as the chair ascends up the slope. However I can't relax for long as the anxiety of getting OFF the lift starts to take over (especially the first time on a lift). I worry if I will be able to stand up at the right time or if I will hesitate a moment too long be left dangling off the chair and then fall several feet on hard snow and break my arm. I worry that if I do stand up at the right time, I will immediately lose my balance, knock over my partner and tumble down in a heap only to be run over by the next people getting off the lift. I worry that someone in front of me will have fallen down and I will be the one who mows over them because I can't control my direction when getting off the lift. Lest you think I am over-reacting, sadly I have experienced each of these situations (without actually breaking any bones or hurting any other skiers).

1. Losing control (i.e., falling). I rarely fall when skiing. This is certainly not because I am a good skier. It is primarily because I am so afraid of what would happen if I couldn't stop that I am the most cautious skier on the bunny slopes (think turtle on skis). I will put my legs through intense pain until they are shaking with the pressure to slow myself down in an ungainly snow plow. I will make hundreds of really wide turns, rather than get too much speed and risk losing control. However there have been a few times when I have gained confidence on the most basic of beginner hills that I have pointed my skis downhill and let go. I do not think I have experienced such a thrilling feeling of freedom as when I have let go and am (almost) gliding down the snowy slope. It is scary and joyous at the same time. Usually after a few minutes of this, I will start to lose my balance or see a potential hazard ahead or start to worry about my ability to stop....and I will put on the brakes and bring it back to turtle speed. However those few minutes of gliding freedom are enough to get me to face my chair lift fears and do another run.

Skiing Joys:
1. I am awed by the pristine, almost primeval beauty of snow covered mountains that stretch along the horizon for miles. It is so serene that it is feel like God hit the "pause" button.

2. I am exhilarated by the chill Sierra wind on my face as I glide down the mountain (actually I do very little "gliding" as noted above but when I do it is exhilarating).

3. I like the single-minded focus that I must have to get down each run. There is no room for distracted thoughts about parenting mistakes or teenage pregnancies or whether I made a error in the last email marketing campaign I sent for work.

4. I find a lot of satisfaction in the fact that I can continually repeat a run until I am pleased with the "outcome". If I didn't like the way I came down - too timid, not relaxed, poor form, etc... - I can immediately go right back up that same slope and attempt to "fix" whatever didn't work the first time.

5. Not letting my fears stop me, being able to glide just a little bit, getting more smooth and confident with each run leaves me with a huge sense of accomplishment that make it all worthwhile.

New Expectations

What more could I have done for my vineyard that I have not already done? When I expected sweet grapes, why did my vineyard give me bitter grapes? Isaiah 5:4

On Easter Sunday I was very observant of all the young children dressed up in their Easter best — flowing, flowery pastel dresses for the girls and crisp button up shirts for the boys (that had at one time been tucked into their pants). I saw one young family with two girls in matching green and blue flowery dresses with bouncy ribbons in their hair and their brother in a snappy argyle vest in the same colors. They were precious in their innocence and joy at dressing up (well... the girls anyway) and their excitement over cupcakes and Easter egg hunts and giant caterpillars they could crawl through. The biggest decision of the day was which cupcake to pick from the array laid out before them.

Watching the young families was bittersweet to me this Easter. It brought back memories of the innocent years when my children were young and brought into sharp focus how far they have come since those years. Watching the eager young faces of the children made me ache as I thought of challenges that my two "children" are facing. As I watched the parents (moms in particular), I was painfully reminded of my own hopes and dreams for my children that have been irrevocably lost.

"Expectations are mental sets we choose to hold (they are not genetically endowed) that help us move through time (from now to later), through change (from old to new), and through experience (from familiar to unfamiliar) in order to anticipate the next reality we encounter."*

The challenge facing me now is to build new expectations based on the reality that our family is now encountering. My old expectations don't really matter anymore; they are now defunct. I can choose to hold on to them and lament why they were not fulfilled and speculate if they were unrealistic and fixate on who is to blame for their demise .... or I can deliberately, thoughtfully, and prayerfully start building new expectations that will help me navigate this unexpected and unfamiliar reality that is ahead.

*Carl Pickhardt PhD (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201003/adolescence-and-the-problem-parental-expectations)

Balancing

"If you do right and suffer for it and are patient beneath blows, God is well pleased" I Peter 2:19

Lately it has seemed like I have been under a weight of many emotional "blows". The circumstances currently surrounding my family, while not entailing physical suffering, have caused me a lot of emotional pain. Instead of being patient as these verses in I Peter exhort, I have found myself trying to fix some of the practical problems my two oldest children are experiencing due to the unexpected pregnancies.

After my husband called me on the fact that I had actually applied for two jobs FOR my son, I realized there is a strong correlation between my lack of patience and this sometimes invasive desire to fix their situations.

Later in the second chapter of I Peter, he goes on to say that suffering is a part of life here on earth and that we are to strive to respond to these sufferings as Christ did, specifically He "left his case in the hands of God." Lately, due to my worry an anxiety, it has not been easy for me to leave my children's "case" in God's hands.

I struggle with identifying the appropriate boundaries. When are my suggestions crossing the line to trying to control or fix? Is it okay to send job postings to my unemployed son who will soon have a child to support? Is it okay to look for job training opportunities for my son even when he has no interest? It is okay to send housing options to my daughter and suggest she might want to find a home for the dog that is limiting her choices?

Having appropriate boundaries may have a lot to do with leaving their "cases" in God's hands and removing my hands. Managing these boundaries seems kind of like walking on a balance beam - it is challenging not to fall on the side of too controlling and invasive OR on the side of or not providing needed help and parental instruction. I guess the only way to learn to stay in the middle of the beam is to practice and realize I am going to fall off until I get the right rhythm.

George(iana) Bailey of Aptos

A personal Christmas tradition that I have kept for the last 15 years is the annual watching of It's a Wonderful Life. The kids used to sit and watch with me, but they have lost interest over the years. Now they just sit by me at the end of the movie, carefully watching to see when I will start crying. I am not sure why they think it will ever be any different. Whenever I see all of the people crowding in George Bailey's house to help a friend in need, the tears start to flow. By the time George's brother makes his toast, "To my brother, the richest man in town", my face is covered in tears and my nose resembles Rudolph.

I finally realized why I remain so deeply touched by that movie, even after watching it dozens of times. I identify with George Bailey. I was never going to stay in Santa Cruz. I was going to go away to college, be a book editor in New York City, travel the world and live a sophisticated life. Unlike George Bailey, my continued residence in Santa Cruz, less than exciting career and reasons for being "stuck" are a result of my own choices. Nevertheless there are times when I feel like I missed out on a part of life that I had hoped to experience. Also like George there are times when I am resentful of the emotional ties that keep me here, and do not see the value or purpose of my life. Thus my identification with George Bailey.

Over the past month I have been dealing with some devastating news regarding my two oldest children. I wrote a cryptic note on Facebook about "hanging onto hope by a thin thread." Not only were there multiple encouraging comments, but at least a half a dozen people emailed or called me to to see if there was any way they could support me - not even knowing the situation. Relatives that I do not feel terribly close to sent me encouraging notes and links to sermons they thought would help. It was just like the last scene in the movie where people don't even know what's wrong with George, but they step in and do whatever they can to help a friend in trouble.


Like George I never knew that I was really that important to anyone outside my immediate family. I thought I had to figure out how to to fix my problems on my own. The outpouring of love and support that my friends have shown me through messages, phone calls, gifts, IM conversations and coffee dates has really shown me that despite the unexpected and painful situation, I really do have wonderful life.

Quote of the Day

"So often the really huge moments [of life] come as a shock, a tsunami on a sunny day. It is rare to be given fair notice that the world you've built is about to change."
Luanne Rice

Mid Life Identity Crisis

While I was updating this blog to enter the new decade, and to perhaps inspire me to be more consistent about stretching my writing muscles, I found myself stumped by one of the profile prompts:

"About Me"

That really should have been an easy question. I should have easily written wife, mother, employee, Christian, dog lover or some basic information. However I could not think of what I wanted to say to the world (or cyberspace since no one really reads this blog) about me. This simple question brought together a lot of the thoughts that have been rotating around each other in my brain.

I have spent 20 years raising my children and will be an empty-nester in two more years. I have worked at the same job for 12 years and have lived in the same town for 30 years. I have been married for 20 years (just not to the same person). While I realize the value of the time I have spent pursuing these endeavors, I am hoping that there is something different for me around the corner. It is a bit unsettling, almost like being 18 again with so many possibilities that I am having a hard time focusing on what my next steps will be.

I want to focus on God's best plan for me (I spent a good many years focusing on MY best plan and that didn't work out so well). I wish that God had a website where you could login with your unique user ID and select from a few life choices choices that he has given His Stamp of Approval. Once you clicked on the link, a carefully explained map would download to your desktop. Right now I have so many things competing for focus that it is hard to "download the right map."

Is this a "mid-life crisis"? I have no plans to purchase an outrageously expensive sports car, have liposuction or buy a farmhouse in Tuscany (although actually all of those things do sound a bit appealing). However I do want to make the second half of my life purposeful and meaningful. What that will actually look like is waiting to unfold.