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A Year of Lasts

School started last week and it was a bittersweet day for me. It was my last first day of school. For the last 17 years, I have enjoyed my kids' first days of school complete with bright smiles, new haircuts, specially chosen lunch boxes and unbroken-in shoes.  I remember each of their first days of kindergarten as they reluctantly let go of my hand and headed off into the unknown of the classroom. Then as they moved through elementary, to middle school, to high school the excitement around first day of school changed for my kids, but it still remained a key rite of passage to me. It has signified their progress, maturity and growth - both physically and intellectually.

After decades of parenting my three children my youngest son started his senior year with little fanfare or excitement on his part, but with carefully hidden tears from his mom. Thus has begun my year of "lasts." Each time I do something for the last time (school pictures, Mom's football game, Homecoming, senior dinners, etc..) there comes a pang to my heart that reminds me that this phase of my life is ending. For the last 21 years much of my identity and how I have prioritized my life has been wrapped up in my children. As I look ahead to life with no children at home, I  have both trepidation and excitement as to what the future holds and how I will handle this huge life transition.

So I will not hide or minimize the tears that come to my eyes as I experience each of the "last time" moments over the next nine months. I will consider each tear a reminder of the long lasting value of the time I spent nurturing, training, and loving each of my kids.

The Call to Africa

The first time I went to Africa in 2006 it was at the request of my husband to fulfill one of his life long dreams. While it was an awesome trip and I was captivated by the amazing landscape and animals, I had little contact with the people of Africa. I came back knowing that I had missed out on something important.

In 2008 I had the opportunity to return to Africa and be a part of a woman's conference in Mansa, Zambia. Additionally I spent some time in South Africa. While there I was stretched in many ways and had many new experiences (see blog at http://tlcwomen.blogspot.com/). We primarily interacted with the women of rural Zambia and they taught me about joy in the midst of suffering and heart-felt worship and true humility and service to God. I came back with a new perspective of gratitude, peace, and joy.

Sadly that new perspective was too quickly replaced by the needs of family and work, as well as with the self centered materialism of life here in the US. On more than one occasion I found myself missing the person that I was for the first month I was back from Zambia. I was kinder, I was not on the computer all the time or running mindless errands, I was not trying to be everything to everyone all the time, I was not worrying about the "small" stuff ("I have a pimple", "my jeans don't fit") and I was content that God was handling the "big" stuff (children's futures, relationships, finances).

When the opportunity presented itself to return to Mansa this summer to minister to the orphans there, I immediately knew that I was being called to return. Through God's grace we will be able to minister to the 90 orphan children with resources (shoes and books) and teachings and games and songs. I know we will improve the orphan center building with painting and new shelves. But most of all I know that I will be expanded as a person by spending 10 days with God's people in Mansa.

Ultimately the reason that I go to Africa is very self-serving. I could have spent the money for this trip on a nice beach vacation somewhere (and I can certainly see the value in these types of vacations as well). But when I returned would I have a changed perspective or just have post-vacation blues? I know that this trip will be have many unforeseen challenges, will not be comfortable, and will stretch me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Yet I am confident that this stretching will broaden my perspective and grow my character.

Bring it on!

The Parable of the Loving Father

Luke 15:11-24

No matter home many times I read the parable of the Prodigal Son, I continue to get deeper insights into how this story impacts my life. Although it only takes up part of one chapter in the Gospels, I have probably read these words of Jesus more than any other. Why?

Initially I looked at this parable from the perspective of the Prodigal Son. I have had seasons of rebellion where I pursued my own desires and looked to find fulfillment through people or things. I looked for instant gratification and ignored God's promises of lasting gratification. I have also been in the place of the Older Son, wondering why my "good deeds" are not being rewarded in the appropriate time - or why others are being blessed more than I.

Yet when I recently re-read the parable I was struck by the heart and character of the father. "The father did not give to his sons Justice, but much more, he gave them GRACE."* The father:

• was willing to let go of his expectations for his son
• was willing to "fund" what he knew was a mistake in order for his son to experience long-term growth
• allowed his son to experience the full consequences of his actions
  
• valued his sons for who they were not what they accomplished
• love and acceptance was not based on performance or actions
• waited
  

I pray that as I wait for my Prodigals to return that I exhibit the heart and character of the father in the parable - which we know is representative of God's heart and character for us. I pray that I can wait with the assurance that no pain is wasted. I pray that I allow my Prodigals to live with the full consequences of their choices without trying to "rescue" them. I pray that I can love with open arms and without expectation. I pray that I can extend them the same grace that God has shown me.

*http://www.albatrus.org/english/potpourri/sermons/prodigal%27s_father.htm

Life is Kind of Like Wearing Spanx

For those of you thin people who don't shop much, you many not know that Spanx is a brand of shapewear that purports to smooth out all the unsightly bumps and wrinkles. Really what happens is that it redistributes your bulges to somewhere else on your body. I was never very good at physics, but it seems like there is some scientific basis that if you squeeze a mass in one area it is going to pop out somewhere else. This has been my experience with Spanx....and sometimes my experience with life.

If I am constraining myself in one area I often find myself substituting in something else to take the place of this "loss" — which kind of negates the original purpose!

I recently started a diet (despite earlier blog post of this being a no-diet year - but that is a separate topic). I had to go out and buy several books to keep me occupied and distract me from thoughts of snacking. And it was important to buy some new make-up. Even when I eliminate one thing (like sugar) from my diet, I find that I will then often overeat with other foods.

When I have restricted shopping for myself for a period of time, I find that I begin shopping for my kids or my husband. Or I just need to have a new comforter for our bed.

I would love for my life to be smoothed out and evenly balanced (like the Spanx picture above) and not bulge out in other areas. The key with Spanx is not not get the garment too tight, but find one that provides enough pressure to gently lessen the bulges, and to realize that the garment is not going to make you look like a size 2 if you are a size 12.

I think I sometimes I squeeze too tight – expect too much too quickly— and thus the bulge-over. Perhaps achieving smoothness takes time and requires balance not deprivation.

Cultivating Joy

The joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

I had one of those odd experiences while I was singing in church on Sunday. It was a beautiful sunny and crisp Sunday morning, I was glad to be at church and feeling quite loving towards all of those in my life. As I sang the words "the joy of the Lord is my strength" it was like a curtain in my mind opened. Now I am sure most people have pondered this phrase back in their early years - but for some reason this verse hit me as if I were hearing it for the first time and its meaning was suddenly new to me.

It was startling clear that when I choose to be joyful in the Lord, I have greater strength. On Sunday I was joyful in Him - as opposed to being joyful after eating a good meal or when someone pays me a compliment or when I can wear a smaller size or when my kids do something good. None of those things had happened on Sunday, but I was still joyful because I was confident of His love and His grace and His plans for my life. It dawned on me that by cultivating this true joy I am empowered to get through the hard and the boring and the sad and the confusing and the tempting times in my life. It showed me once again that I need to quit focusing on the situation and turn my focus to feeding and watering this joy that the Lord has given me.

Oddly enough I have been reading a devotional about joy (surely no coincidence) called Joy: A Godly Woman's Adornment by Lydia Brownback. The author highlights some ways to cultivate this true joy:

Grumbling about the hard things blocks our expectations of good things, and if we are not looking for the good things, we may fail to see them when they come.

The reason we lack joy in our trials is that we are set on an outcome that will make our lives easier.

The only way to joy is to interpret our circumstances by God's word rather than judge God by our circumstances.

Rather than yearning for God, we yearn for a manageable life, and eventually we don't yearn for Him nearly as much as we yearn for [insert your yearning here]. We pour so much of our energies into obtaining lesser joys that we lose our taste for the real one.

There is a direct link between joy and heartfelt obedience.

Perpetuating Entitlement?

Giving too much and expecting too little

As I am about to make one of the hardest parenting choices of my 21 year “career”, I cannot help but wonder what combination of factors has coalesced to bring our family to this point. I can point to genetics and serotonin; I can blame the fact that I got divorced and remarried; I can fault the apathetic, drug culture of the town we live in; and the list goes on. While I am making deliberate mental efforts to not place a mound of parenting guilt on my own head, it would be irresponsible of me not to examine what role my parenting has played in the success (or lack thereof) of my children. Was I too loose? Was I too authoritarian? Did I listen enough? Was I consistent? Did I do too much for them? Was I too consumed with accomplishing tasks?

We all want our children to be successful, independent adults — and obviously each parent has their own definition of success based on their values. No one sets out raise our children to be spoiled adults that don't know how to function responsibly in society; we just want to give our children good things and help them because we love them. Yet why is it that I see so many young adults that severely struggle to achieve basic independence?

I am quick to notice parents that give their children too much and expect too little…. no responsibilities around the house, driving young adult children around so that they are not inconvenienced, not requiring a working young adult living at home to pay rent (and sometimes allowing their significant others to move in as well), a credit card to use at their discretion with no financial responsibility, giving them money (or things) whenever they ask, continually funding one opportunity/school after another in hopes that this one will be “right” for their child, paying their bills when they over-extend themselves, bailing them out of troubles (and sometimes even jail), and generally making excuses for their continued failure to be responsible.

I easily admit that I have done most of the above things in some form or another and others…like getting up at 5:45 to make a warm breakfast for my 16-year-old son. I do it because he works very hard at school and sports for 12 hours each day and I know that he will be gone from the house soon and I won’t have the opportunity to support him like that. But how do you know when your actions that were intended to show love and support turn into entitlement? This is a hard distinction for me. I have spent the last 21 years attempting to figure out the right parenting formula….testing out the best balance between love, support, and giving vs. rules, responsibilities and consequences that will grow healthy, secure, independent adults. Yet, in the last few years I have realized a very disturbing fact — there is not any set parenting formula that will guarantee success.

The best I can do is to try and find the balance between stifling love and entitlement on a situation-by-situation, child-by-child basis. This balance — or formula —is fluid and is constantly changing and adapting to the situation. While I would much prefer a more concrete procedure for success, I can see that by not being stuck to a pre-determined set of rules/actions in my mind, I allow room for God to work and provide wisdom and direction that is specific to my situation at that time. This doesn't always translate into "success" (at least by my definition), but it does translate into increased dependence on God and growth in my faith.

Looking Back

2010 was a pretty tumultuous year for me. Because I believe that everything we go through in life has a divine purpose and because I don't want to miss the lessons that I needed to learn, I have been contemplating what I learned - and how I grew - in 2010. I want to make sure that I "get it" so that God doesn't feel the need to teach me these lessons again!

Four Things I Learned in 2010:
1. To be thankful in despairing circumstances
I learned to be thankful for many little things that I think I would have overlooked if life was all sunshine and butterflies. I appreciated the little things more when the big things were in chaos. By appreciating the little things I eventually got to the place where I could even be sincerely thankful for the painful and challenging situations. Truly a gift from God.

2. To love people better
I learned to show love to people in my life that I really didn't want to - and didn't approve of or even like. In some cases these were people I am biologically related to! The song "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North has really been a defining song for me to enable me to think about people apart from their actions and through God's eyes (you can click on the picture to the right to see the video for the song). The chorus is:

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

3. To separate myself from my kids choices
As a mom, my primary focus for the last 21 years has been trying to teach my kids the important values in life and provide them with the skills they need to grow. Over the years this has meant that I have gotten myself emotionally and physically wrapped up in all aspects of their lives and the choices that they have made. It is almost as if I lost track of them as people, but started to see them as objects - "my kids" or "my life's focus"- and so when they veered from the expected course that I had established in my mind it was quite painful and I felt as if I failed. However through the circumstances of this year I have come to understand God has given me the privilege of loving and caring for my kids (and also a huge responsibility), but their choices are no reflection on me as a person or on my success or failure as a parent. Big change in my thinking!

4. That mistakes can be good
I hate failing or making a mistake. It creates a HUGE amount of anxiety within me. Most people will tell you that I am very hard on myself, which leads me to often be hard on those that I love. Through this last year I have seen how the mistakes that my kids have made, while VERY costly to them (and to me both emotionally and financially), have been vitally important to their process of growth. They wouldn't be growing and maturing as they are if they had not made these mistakes (certainly this is still a "work in progress"). If my goal as a parent is for them to grow and mature then I have to see mistakes as a painful but necessary part of this process, not as failure.

While I am excited to continue to apply the things that I learned last year, I can't help but hope that the lessons are a little easier to learn in 2011. Yet, whether 2011 brings easy or hard situations, I rest in the knowledge that there is purpose in everything that God allows in our lives.