Finding My Voice

The best presents I received while in high school (long before personal computers and the Internet were around) were a set of encyclopedias and a typewriter with built in correction tape. With those two tools I spent hours researching and writing stories. At that time my genre was romantic fiction (Harlequin romance-type) and I relished in creating beautiful and capable heroines who were swept off their feet by manly, yet sensitive heroes, usually in cosmopolitan locations.

While my need to write has not diminished over the years, I now have difficulty focusing on one type of writing. I know I should pick one genre and hone my skills in that area, but that choice is not clear to me. I struggle with finding my voice (as you may have noticed from all the different types of posts on this blog).

I have many voices that I want to use, different types of stores I want to tell, but the problem is consistency. Which voice do I want to be representative of me?

Faith: sometimes I have the urge to write about Christian themes that have impacted my life and share what I have learned through study of God's word and other teachers. However, I often think that my words come across as "preachy" when I use this voice.

Parenting: other times I want to write about the struggles of parenting as a way to gain perspective and cope. Again, I don't think that this is my best voice because I only seem to explore these topics when my kids are in crises and I do not have a talent or desire for examining past issues.

Mid-Life Angst: I guess some of my writing could fall into this category as I struggle with friendships, eating right, exercise, jobs and other facets of daily life at 40+. I would love to be able to write about these topics in a funny, but profound and relatable way. Not sure that this is my strongest voice.

Travel: I love to marry my two passions of travel and writing. While I feel this voice is strong and confident (click here to see some examples), there are few problems with developing this voice. 1) I am not sure that many people want to read about my large and small travels and 2) due to budgetary constraints I cannot always be traveling and might not have material to write about.

That is my quandary. Do I continue writing in all of these voices and risk being discordant and never  developing sharper writing skills? Or do I just jump in and pick one of my "voices" and see where the journey takes me?

Letter to My Children from the Halfway Point

This week is my birthday. One of those 40-something birthdays that are not terribly notable, but keep you inching towards the next decade. While I don’t presume to know how many days God has set out for me, it is likely that I am about halfway through my time on earth. I would love to be able to sit down with my kids and talk about some of the things I have learned in my four decades of life. While they would smile and listen politely I know that they don’t really think that my life experiences have any relevance to their lives at this time.  So perhaps if I write my thoughts down for posterity, they will uncover it at a time when they are open to listening. 

Dear Kids,

It seems like just a few years ago that I was driving you all to soccer practice, music lessons, theater rehearsal, and bringing snacks to your classroom on your birthday. I remember when you wouldn’t go to bed without being tucked in and singing the “peace” song. Now you are all adults and finding your own way in a world of jobs, school, paying bills, and parenthood and our most frequent communication is over text messages. Here are some things that I hope you learn before you are 40-something.

Five Things I Hope that My Children Learn

1.     You don’t have to be perfect to succeed. When I was younger I would often quit because I did not meet my own standards or because I was scared of failing. While I still face those same internal barriers I have learned that unless you take a risk, there is no reward.  Twenty years ago I would never have been able to speak in public and in three weeks I will be speaking to a group of 40 Silicon Valley executives. While I am anxious about my performance, I am willing to face the challenge even if the end result is not “perfect.”

2.    Don’t look to other people for approval or acceptance. I have wasted so much time worrying over what other people think of me, and gone down many unproductive and unhealthy paths searching for acceptance from others. Practice looking heaven-ward and inward at your intrinsic strengths and positive qualities to find your value – not to the instability and superficiality of people around you.

3.    Your thoughts become your actions.  How you think will directly influence the course of your actions.  I did not always see this correlation and spent many years with thoughts that …oh so slowly….pulled me down into negativity or away from my core beliefs. I now consciously choose to reject thoughts that tell me that I am not good enough, that I need more to be happy, or that I am a failure, and replace these with truths that I have learned from God’s word and His teachers.

4.    Love trumps rules…always. So much of my younger years as a Christian became about obeying the rules of “religion” - trying hard to follow the mold to be a good Christian.  I hope that you learn that true faith is about acknowledging and soaking in God’s immeasurable and unfailing love for you just as you are. When you trust in and reciprocate that love, change will follow.

5.     Nothing you can do can make God love you less or divert His plans for you.  I used to think it was all up to me to work out God’s plan for my life. Whew! That was a lot of pressure. And when I messed up and fell short of His plans for me, I was sure that he was looking down on me in abject disappointment. A huge weight was lifted off of me when I grasped that no sin will ever change the way that God loves me – and when I can truly trust that His plans for me are good, I am able to quit trying to “fix” things and find peace in any circumstance.

Mean Girls

One of my early experiences with female friendships occurred when I was in second grade. I was part of a three-way friendship with two other girls. I was always the new girl in school (four elementary schools in six years) and eager to be a part of a group. In the springtime we got into a tiff of some kind (although I can’t remember the cause) and I was the one pushed out of the “club.” I remember the “queen bee” telling me that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore and I distinctly remember her telling me, “And when we were holding hands on the playground last week I noticed that your hand was much fatter than Cathy’s.” (Still not sure how the size of my hand related to her not wanting to be my friend.) My little 7-year-old heart was crushed and my esteem bruised (not to mention the effect on my body image – but that is the subject for another post).

Fast forward 40 years and I recently had an experience that recalled those same little girl emotions. A few weeks ago I found out through Facebook that a group of good acquaintances (that do not read this blog) whom I have know for many years and am in regular contact with, went out for a celebratory evening and did not invite me. It hurt my feelings deeply and made me question the validity of the friendships. Do they not like me? Am I too over-bearing? Am I not fun? Did they just not think of me? And then I started to seethe and withdraw out of anger.

Fine. I will delete the email you sent me without replying. I will respond with a two word answer to your text. I won’t comment on any of your Facebook posts as I used to do regularly.

I guess I could have asked one of them why I was not invited, but that seemed too needy to me and perhaps I didn’t want to hear the answer. But, after several weeks of being the injured party and dwelling on the rejection, I realized that it was only hurting me to keep all those toxic feelings alive.

I started slow and first made some comments on a few of their Facebook posts. After doing that it felt like some of the air had been let out of the balloon that was pressing on my heart….a bit of relief. Next I responded in a pleasant way to an email sent from one of the gals. The pressure of the balloon eased off a bit more. Then yesterday I made lunch plans with the friend that I know the best as I realized that I didn't want to let that friendship slide just because of my sore feelings (valid or not). The balloon deflated more.

There is still some soreness inside that won’t go away for awhile, and I don’t want to schedule a group get-together anytime soon, but regardless of how or why the whole situation actually occurred, it has helped me to value my true friends and see the importance of building up those relationships.