Giving too much and expecting too little
As I am about to make one of the hardest parenting choices of my 21 year “career”, I cannot help but wonder what combination of factors has coalesced to bring our family to this point. I can point to genetics and serotonin; I can blame the fact that I got divorced and remarried; I can fault the apathetic, drug culture of the town we live in; and the list goes on. While I am making deliberate mental efforts to not place a mound of parenting guilt on my own head, it would be irresponsible of me not to examine what role my parenting has played in the success (or lack thereof) of my children. Was I too loose? Was I too authoritarian? Did I listen enough? Was I consistent? Did I do too much for them? Was I too consumed with accomplishing tasks?
We all want our children to be successful, independent adults — and obviously each parent has their own definition of success based on their values. No one sets out raise our children to be spoiled adults that don't know how to function responsibly in society; we just want to give our children good things and help them because we love them. Yet why is it that I see so many young adults that severely struggle to achieve basic independence?
I am quick to notice parents that give their children too much and expect too little…. no responsibilities around the house, driving young adult children around so that they are not inconvenienced, not requiring a working young adult living at home to pay rent (and sometimes allowing their significant others to move in as well), a credit card to use at their discretion with no financial responsibility, giving them money (or things) whenever they ask, continually funding one opportunity/school after another in hopes that this one will be “right” for their child, paying their bills when they over-extend themselves, bailing them out of troubles (and sometimes even jail), and generally making excuses for their continued failure to be responsible.
I easily admit that I have done most of the above things in some form or another and others…like getting up at 5:45 to make a warm breakfast for my 16-year-old son. I do it because he works very hard at school and sports for 12 hours each day and I know that he will be gone from the house soon and I won’t have the opportunity to support him like that. But how do you know when your actions that were intended to show love and support turn into entitlement? This is a hard distinction for me. I have spent the last 21 years attempting to figure out the right parenting formula….testing out the best balance between love, support, and giving vs. rules, responsibilities and consequences that will grow healthy, secure, independent adults. Yet, in the last few years I have realized a very disturbing fact — there is not any set parenting formula that will guarantee success.
The best I can do is to try and find the balance between stifling love and entitlement on a situation-by-situation, child-by-child basis. This balance — or formula —is fluid and is constantly changing and adapting to the situation. While I would much prefer a more concrete procedure for success, I can see that by not being stuck to a pre-determined set of rules/actions in my mind, I allow room for God to work and provide wisdom and direction that is specific to my situation at that time. This doesn't always translate into "success" (at least by my definition), but it does translate into increased dependence on God and growth in my faith.
