I will be with you

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2

I am feeling the waters rise and the heat of the fire. It is overwhelming and confusing. I want safe, dry land and cool calmness.

But most of all I want to deeply grasp the fact that Christ is with me. If I can absorb this into my head and heart then the water will not drown me (no matter how high it gets) nor the fire scorch me (no matter the intensity of the blaze).

Thoughts on Love

In "Blue Like Jazz" Donald Miller writes, "The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity....we withold affirmation from the people who do not agree with us, and we lavishly finance the ones who do."

That thought was like the banging of a big gong that reverberated through my body. This was so "loud" to me because I see how I have done this on a societal level and on a social level and - most sadly - in my family. I have put myself on the pedestal of "truth" and when a group of people (i.e., liberals, drug addicts, homosexuals) - or my children - are not living up to this standard of acceptability, I withhold love and sit in judgment. This can be very obvious - as in making critical comments about a liberal church or very subtle - as often occurs within the family. There is a stony wall of silence, a rolling of the eyes, a withdrawal of affection or attention, a different tone of voice, a cold look in the eyes.

The big "WOW!" for me is that whether my view is right in God's perspective makes little difference on how I love and accept people. God has not called me to judge - He has called me to love. "It is not my responsibility to change somebody, it [is] God's, my part [is] just to communicate love and approval." In practice at home, I can't always approve of what my children are doing as my knowledge of God's word and life experience often reveal that their actions/choices will have some bad consequences. However I can continue to approve of them as people that God is in the process of shaping (and continue to set boundaries as a parent).

As Donald Miller goes on to say "instead of withholding love to change somebody, I poured it on lavishly. I hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people from the mire and toward healing. I knew this was the way that God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson."

Sugar-free

Day three of no sugar and no white flour.
At all.
No fructose, sucrose, cane sugar, or date sugar. No sugar in bagels or crackers or yogurt...which hardly counts as sugar at all, right? In my mind, sugar is licorice or a cupcake or a big sugar cookie or Twerpz or Kissables.....

It is very sneaky all the foods that have sugar in them. Who knew dry roasted peanuts had sugar in them? I bought a gluten, wheat and sugar free bar at the health food store. It tasted like banana flavored bark AND it had 230 calories. I could have had a bag of Kissables for that calorie content. It certainly was not worth the calories! Artificial sweeteners mimic sugar in your body, so no diet drinks with splenda or aspartame.

It is all very complicated, so why am I punishing myself? Supposedly if you do not eat sugar or white flour (low glycemic index foods), you will remain fuller longer and will not eat as much overall. You are supposed to have more energy, clearer skin, reduced body fat, and a healthier heart. I am waiting for this phenomenon to take over my body, waiting for the benefit to be greater than the feeling of deprivation. I am also waiting to button my jeans comfortably again.

And now, as I was looking longingly at the Frosted Flakes in the cupboard, my sons came home with chocolate chip cookie dough, which they are now consuming, raw, in front of me at the kitchen table. It's is just too cruel.....Almost as cruel as eating dried soybeans at the football game instead of french fries.

Transformation

"We can't transform ourselves. We are transformed by God. Our part is changing what we think about. Then transformation happens." John Maxwell

It is catching those negative thoughts....those destructive thoughts...those selfish thoughts...those thoughts that my agenda is the only way... thoughts that my needs and comfort are more important than others....thoughts of pride...critical and judgmental thoughts....
It is recognizing those thoughts upon entry in our minds, unwrapping them from their attractive disguise and banishing them into a black hole of nothingness. Don't let them sit in our minds for more than a moment or they may just think they are invited to stay. If they think they are invited to stay they just might take root and wind themselves around other thoughts and attitudes....and before long transformation is no longer the goal.....self is.

Messy Spirituality

From an interview with the late Mike Yaconelli (author of Messy Spirituality)

I have always been convinced that I never have to tell anybody that they have sinned. I don't have to say to a person, "Gee, you don't live up to what God expects out of all of us." And then they respond, "What... You're kidding!" That isn't the problem. People are very well aware of their sin, their shortcomings, their failures, their mistakes, their emptiness, their loneliness, and their lostness. But too many times the church says to them, "If you're empty and lonely, lost, confused, and have questions. . . come to the church and we'll get rid of all those things. " So people come to the church and try it, but they end up still having emptiness, doubts, and loneliness, and they say, "Apparently, I didn't do it right. I didn't listen to the right tapes, or go to the right seminar .. I give up... I quit." I'm convinced that most people are looking for something that says, "You're not alone, you are loved in spite of the flaws and the junk in your life." People want to know that there is hope out there and that some sense can be made out of life. That their small life with its little bit of everydayness can actually make a difference and have a kind of power and authority.

What characterizes Christianity in 1995 is realness and honesty with yourself and God. It's not your stance on abortion, or homosexuality, or some political issue; it's that you tell the truth. As honest as you know how to be, God will honor that. You can trust that. I've got five children and they are in all stages of response to the gospel. But that will change in five years when the ones who seem to have it all together will be falling apart and the ones who don't have it all together are going to be further along. As a parent I want them to all be in the Kingdom. I want them to be following Jesus. I want them to be living on the forefront of the gospel, but they're not there. So what do I do as a parent? Do I keep calling them up? Do I keep sending them letters trying to evangelize them? Or do I trust the Truth? They've seen it in me--I've been divorced, the absolute unpardonable sin. Will they be able to see Jesus in the midst of my brokenness and flaws? The answer is absolutely! I trust that and I will go all the way to my grave believing that.

How Does God See Me (and You)?

So many of our struggles come from not seeing ourselves in the way that God sees us. Because we don't really see ourselves with God's "eyes" we seek to define who we are in other ways - like good works, how attractive we are to the opposite sex, how thin we are, what clothes we wear, how important our job is, who our friends want us to be, what we see in the media, our children's successes or failures and on and on...

If we are defining who we are by anything other than Christ, it leads to discouragement and despair (and many times into sin as we try to escape these feelings). If we could just have God's "eyes" for a moment, I think we would be shocked at the all-encompassing unconditional love that He has for us. If we could see have His view for just a moment I don't think we would be trying to "fill-up" our souls with these false sources of worth.

Since I have been in this place of misguided self-definition (on more than one occasion I admit), I wanted to look at what the Bible says about how God sees me. Each line below is based directly on Scripture and explores how the God of the entire universe sees His creation (you and me).

I am........
A new creation
Chosen by God
Unable to be separated from God’s love by anything external or internal
Holy
His friend
Clean, blessed and accepted
God's child that will receive an inheritance of glory
Forgiven
Approved
Freed from sin
Strong (through Christ)
Without fault
His stunning success
Daily equipped to serve Him
Accepted as I am
Able to live a godly life
A temple of the Holy Spirit

The Knowledge Fairy

from Dave Barry
When a boy reaches 13 years of age, the Knowledge Fairy comes around and inserts into his brain all the information in the entire universe. From that point on he no longer needs any parental guidance. All he needs is parental money...If you criticize him, he'll give you a look of contempt met with pity because you are a clueless old dork that was last visited by the Knowledge Fairy in 1873 and your brain has been leaking information ever since.

Power for Change

I was given the opportunity to visit an impoverished family in Shoshanguve South Africa. There was a woman living with her daughter and baby (who have AIDS) and four other orphaned grandchildren. The condition of their house was deplorable and their food supply inadequate. It touched our group deeply and, in addition to praying for them right then and giving them our sack lunches that we had packed for ourselves, Johan committed to building them a more suitable house and getting the orphans into the Day Care Center. Below are Johan's words of the impact that this day has had in the ensuing month.It gave me goosebumps as I read this and saw God's mighty hand working through what to us was a brief stop on a busy day "tour". It may have been brief in our minds but the faithfulness of the AFnet team is causing a lasting impact in this community.

A few weeks ago we wrote about how we were touched by the plight of a poor old granny and her 5 orphaned grandchildren. We decided to build a small house for these destitute children who had all lost their parents due to AIDS. Our motive was humanitarian and driven by compassion. And so we launched into this project, not realizing what a divine opportunity this project would turn into.

From the first day we started digging the foundations, and right through every step of the project our team has been swamped by people from all over that impoverished community. They come to check on the progress, asking questions, giving advice, wondering why we would even consider doing something like this for people that we did not even know; people whom nobody else even cared about. They can not understand why we care! At first it was curiosity. Now the interest has grown to an almost embarrassing hysterical situation as people from all over that village come running, cheering and dancing along the road when they see our team drive up that dusty, almost impassable road. Our only reply could be: “Because Jesus deeply loves you!”

Since then, Pastor Jack Baloyi, our team member in Soshanguve, has reported that so many people from that village have swamped his church (which is miles away) that they’re struggling to handle the overflow. The people are coming to see for them selves and to find out who these people are that would do such a thing in their community. He further reported that Grandma “Sambo”, who had not attended church for years, was now regularly attending his services with her 5 orphans and that this past Sunday she had brought with her 11 other members of her extended family. They all received Jesus as Lord and Savior, reporting that for the first time ever they could understand the message preached, and that it actually made sense them. It now made sense in the context of their experience with those who were living out what they believed by serving the poor, destitute and desperate people of the surrounding communities. Everything about this was so different from their perception and what they had experienced the Church to be up to now.

And so, this past week, upon Pastor Jack’s suggestion we decided to plant a new congregation in that community. Now the people of that un-churched community will not have to walk miles to get to his church in future.

We never thought that such a small thing would lead to such a dynamic groundswell of interest by a whole community. We never imagined that building a small house for an “insignificant” little orphaned family would lead to many of their neighbors receiving Jesus as Lord and Savior. We did not think that serving the poorest of the poor would cause a whole community to sit up and watch; let alone lead to a very strategic church planting project. How could we imagine what a difference a small thing like building a little house for a grandmother and her orphans would make in a community? And now, the word is spreading through Soshanguve that the Church is doing something different in the community. The word is out that people from the church really care and are making a difference. As a result the Kingdom of God has advanced!

Parenting Manual Needed

Why isn't there an owners manual for raising teenagers? I don't mean one of the thousands of very well meaning (and often helpful) books that talk about setting boundaries, allowing your children to experience consequences, keep the lines of communication open, be a good listener, don't nag, have one to one time each week, ask questions, know where they are and who they are with and so on... I want a topical manual that is practical and gives specific instructions to the parent for each possible circumstance and the result of each solution. I want something that will clearly tell me how to get the best result from my child.

For example:

Teenage son comes home with two D's and 3 C's and a B in PE. This is the kid that has gotten an A on almost every test but fails to do any homework resulting in these dismal grades.

Solution #1 - Ground child from all activity for remainder of grading period - take away cell phone and computer privileges (including World of Warcraft). Repeatedly discuss with him how a 1.6 GPA will not get him into school even in South Dakota. Check his grades weekly with each teacher.
Result: Son will rebel even more and refuse to invest in school.

Solution #2 - Have lengthy discussions of why he is refusing to do homework. Take him to a counselor so he can examine his avoidance issues with a third party. Have an educational assessment of the child. Spend lots of money. Do not punish him.
Result: Son will blow you off and continue to ignore homework.

Solution #3 - Restrict computer and phone time during the school week. Provide incentives (drivers license, etc..) for good grades. Provide friendly reminders to child regarding homework each week.
Result: Son will want to enjoy privilege(s) so he will begin to do homework and improving grades. He will get into a good college and be a successful contributor to society and his family.

I wish it were so easy. I wish there was such a clear-cut formula for each situation for all teenagers. I wish it didn't take so long to see any results of our parenting solutions - often I don't know if my solution is actually working and I might change course too soon!

I would like to know - on a daily basis - how to give my teenagers what they need NOT what they want. I know they need boundaries - but how restrictive or permissive should these be? When is trying to connect with your teen falling into the trap of "being their buddy"? In what circumstances do you make them do something that you know will be beneficial when they are adamant against it (an adamant teenager can be very disruptive to the household)? How do you relate to them spiritual truths without them rolling their eyes and thinking they are being "preached" at? What do you do if they reject their faith - in words or actions?

So I have tried all three of the solutions presented to the above example. Not one of them has yielded a positive result as yet. This is why a topical parenting manual would be so helpful. Yet if we had such a manual we might rely on it to provide the wisdom our teenagers needed when what we need to do is rely on God. We need to depend on Him - the One who knows our children intimately - to give us the wisdom, knowledge, strength and grace to parent our kids through these tumultuous years. Raising teenagers has caused me to be on my knees, dependent on Him in new ways as situations arise that I never expected (or wanted). If I had a manual giving me the step by step instructions, I might make less "mistakes" but would I be as aware of my need for Gods wisdom and grace as deeply? Would I surrender my control and self-sufficiency? Would I seek His wisdom as diligently?
Probably not.

God's Irony

Sometimes I find it very amusing how God works. He stays with us through all of our "fickle faith" times in life and all of our "wilderness" times of life and our "it's all about me" times of life. Through all these times of unbelief and pain, He is with us (whether we choose to see or acknowledge it). Yet He uses these times to shape and mold the foundation of our faith and - oftentimes - to minister to others.

I have been faced with this recently as I have been asked to speak on " What does a Christian marriage look like" while in Zambia. I actually laughed out loud at the irony of this when I was presented with this topic. It seems so ironic to me that I would speak to this subject when marriage is something that I failed miserably at the first time around and that I feel like I have no expertise in discussing. But, as my wonderful current husband tells me, " just share what you know - you don't have to be the expert." I know what didn't work and am beginning to formulate what has worked eight years into my second marriage. And - ultimately - I just need to convey what God says about marriage.

It will be interesting to see how God will take what I think of as my biggest failure and use it for His glory.

Blessings of Humility

For the Lord takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with salvation. Psalm 149:4

From: Trust a Godly Womans Adornment by Lydia Brownback

Humility is God's will for each of his daughters. In fact, God wants humility for us more than he wants our service or good works, because humility honors our good God and enables us to live confidently with peace, contentment and joy. Humility is the seed that flowers into real trust that God knows what he is doing...
God will go to great lengths to humble us so that we don;t miss out on His blessings. How does God produce humility in our hearts? He often does do by bringing into our lives wildernesses, weaknesses and trials of all sorts. It is in times of trouble when our resources have run dry, that we are most likely to look for evidence of God's goodness and power at work. He sends wildernesses and trials in our lives to teach us to depend solely on Him. However, we may fail to benefit from these difficulties if we respond wrongly....
[Whatever wilderness, weakness or trial you are facing] is a test designed especially for you by a good God.

Is it worth it?

Here is Amy at her new job.....not sure if this is working out the way I expected.

Refreshment Part 2

This Sundays quiet time was quite different than last Sunday's at Disneyland. This Sunday I sat in the basement of the Outpost - a church/mission on 6th street in San Francisco surrounded by homeless people, hookers, drug addicts and dealers.

John, Kendal and I, along with 9 other people from our church, went on a three day mission to to our favorite city of San Francisco, and have returned with a changed perspective of "the City".

On Friday I was overwhelmed with self absorption and the last thing that I wanted to do was spend the weekend with 8 people I didn't know and go do "busy work" to make ourselves feel better. So I told God that I would just show up and He would have to do the rest. Well, He did the rest and pulled me out of myself. It was truly a testimony to God's power.

While we were walking over to the food pantry in our grubby clothes and old shoes, one man on the street commented, "what a nice group of volunteers." We were 8 white people in a pack, which was probably enough to identify us there - but I also think it was because we were walking with a purpose. Most people in the 6th street corridor are not walking with purpose. They are loitering in their comfortable places or moving in groups from one corner to another. Some are so far lost in the haze of drugs that they do not even know what place they are in. They don't understand or see that they truly do have a purpose beyond the fleeting and destructive pleasures they indulge in. That is what Mike, Ann, Heather and Cameron are trying to do at the Outpost. They are giving the children that come to the mission hope in the present and hope eternally. They are teaching and living out the truth and feeding their bodies and their souls. I feel privileged that I could go and support their efforts even for a few days.

We met the most amazingly hopeful and humble new Christians at the church as we participated in Bible study and then worship. They had no hesitation to humble themselves at the altar and pray. There was no worry of what the people sitting next to you might think. There was no judgment. There was hope and the feeling of God's community standing firm together.

We did some clean up work around the mission on Saturday, as well as worked at Open Hand food pantry - an amazing organization - for 5 hours. We packed peas, lentils, spaghetti; we moved pallets of food, we washed and cut radishes, we assembled frozen meals. On Sunday afternoon after church we took care packages that we had previously put together and went out on 6th street. We handed out 96 of these packages in less than an hour. The most amazing part was that we did not just "drop and run" but that we tried to stop and talk with the people. There was Julio who used to be a pastor but is now addicted to crack. There was Julie who had no front teeth and could barely open her eyes to talk to me but wanted me to pray for her seizures. There was Shirley who put my hands on her side and on her head so I could pray for the pain there. There was the man who immediately after receiving our package sat down and put on the new socks and put the shampoo on his head. Next time we should probably put in some water bottles as I don't think most of the people had anywhere to wash their hair. We talked with the people and prayed with them. We had several people (addicts, hookers) lining up waiting to pray with us. John saw several people holding on to their bags of crack.

The smelly unattractive people sitting on the side of the street are no longer nameless and faceless to me. I am pulled out of myself and my focus has shifted from what can I do to please me and make me more comfortable to focusing on what part God wants me to play in the situation that He has placed me in right now.

Refreshment

Mornings alone. No dog sitting at my feet begging to throw the toy or kids needing my help or husband soliciting my opinion or having to give directions ("did you brush your teeth?") or anyone asking me "what am I doing". It is worth getting up early on the weekend and I miss that time in the busyness of the working week.

Even sitting on a busy breakfast terrace at a Disneyland hotel last weekend I enjoyed having a few minutes of calm. No one was expecting or needing something from me. Just to sit alone with my devotional and a pad of paper and reflect did my soul good. Even the screaming toddlers that invaded my peaceful terrace did not mar my "quiet time" as they did not require any emotional or physical action on my part.

It is in these (now rare) moments that I am able to pause and put things in perspective - which in turn drives out fear and anxiety. By pausing and focusing on God's truths and not my worries I am refreshed.

In addition to quiet times alone I also realized anew last weekend the healing nature of laughter. Laughter is amazingly contagious and uncontrolled. It releases stress and worry and it unifies. Laughter brings joy where there was none (even if only momentarily). Laughter is hopeful and acts like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. There is a Disney quote I saw last weekend that I agree with:

"Everyone needs to find their laughing place and stay there"

Gratitude

My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous. He himself is the sacrifice that atones for our sins—and not only our sins but the sins of all the world. ~ 1 John 2:1,2

I am grateful that Christ is in Heaven pleading my case before His Father.
I am grateful for Christ's sacrifice that enables me to come into God's presence.
I am grateful that I do not get what I deserve, but that I receive absolute love and forgiveness NO MATTER WHAT.
I am grateful that He never gives up on me.

A Working Mom

I have a new title to add to my "business card". I can now add Senior Marketing Analyst to my other titles of Chief Financial Officer, Chauffeur, Maid, Counselor, Cook, Dog Walker and Scheduler.

I have joined the world of working moms. Granted I have been working outside of the home for the last 10 years and at times that was pretty stressful. Yet I almost always picked my kids up from school and was home with them most of the summer. I could set my own schedule and over the last few years was able to have a few days off to myself during the week. Now I actually have a time clock (on my computer) that keeps track of my eight hour work day five days a week and there will not be extra time off in the summer to accommodate my children's schedule.

The boys are now 13 and 16 and while I know they still need their mom, they are also in the stage of separating themselves from me. Being the researcher that I am, I read several articles on the effects of a working mom on teen behavior and several studies showed it was not a factor in increased risk-taking behaviors. It is most important to be involved in their lives - communicate with them (or at least make a daily effort) and find ways to continue to nurture them (even when they think they don't need it). I believe that I can still do this even though I miss out on several hours in the afternoon. It will also require them to take on some additional responsibilities around the house, which can be a positive for teenage boys. They are now responsible for making dinner on Wednesday nights and after an initial resistance they are a bit excited about doing this (in their nonchalant teenage way).

While this is a hard transition for me in some ways it is also exciting. I am involved in a dynamic and sophisticated worldwide industry and will hopefully be able to make a substantial contribution to their marketing efforts. I know I will grow (am growing) intellectually and creatively. And - a bit more superficially - I get to dress professionally (i.e. shopping) and may have some amazing travel opportunities. Earning a full time salary will also be helpful! However I am still trying to figure out how to incorporate all the "me" things in this new schedule - grocery shopping, exercise, errands, hair appointments, and friend time. I need a few extra hours in each day.

Work in progress....

Sometimes I get discouraged that I have not yet "arrived". I get frustrated at the fact that I am such a continual and repetitive work in progress. I was reading through some journal entries from several years ago and many of the struggles and temptations that I was dealing with then I find that I am still dealing with today. Shouldn't I have overcome and moved on by now? Shouldn't I be showing more evidence of spiritual discipline in my life? Shouldn't I be impacting more lives for Christ?

I know these thoughts are not from God. He is the encourager that wants to build me up. Discouragement just leads to self-criticism and defeat and ultimately to giving up. Why keep trying when I always fail? But I will not give up - no matter how many times I fall down I will continually turn back to the Lord and take one more baby step in His direction.

Slow Fade

It is true, we live in a body of flesh. But we do not fight like people of the world. We do not use those things to fight with that the world uses. We use the things God gives to fight with and they have power. Those things God gives to fight with destroy the strong-places of the devil. We break down every thought and proud thing that puts itself up against the wisdom of God. We take hold of every thought and make it obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (New Life Version)

I am reminded today of the sneakiness and pervasive nature of sin. Satan is so crafty - he starts out so small with a brief thought of the attractiveness of sin or fleeting feeling of dissatisfaction with what God has done or allowed in your life. Soon we allow a few minutes of these thoughts to settle in our minds and the thoughts become a bit more formed - wishes and fantasies and dreams begin. We often don't acknowledge the significance of these thoughts and will kick them out of our minds. But they come back and it progresses further until we start to question God's goodness in our life. Doesn't He want me to be happy? Doesn't He care that I hurt? Why are so many difficult or unsatisfying things allowed in my life when I am following Him? Our hearts become a bit hard and we start to turn away from the truth and the pull of sin becomes stronger and looks ever more desirable. Then when are at our weakest we are presented with something that appears to be everything we need or want - a shiny fruit that will make us wise and give us every happiness. It is the story of the Garden of Eden enacted over and over again in each of our lives. Temporary happiness that does not satisfy as we had hoped and ultimately causes pain.

I've been through this cycle many times in my life. Often I have nipped it in the beginning stages - but there have been destructive times when I have let it play out in entirety. I do not want to fall into Satan's trap again and try to daily "take captive every thought and make it obey Christ." It saddens me when I see others that I love looking and longing at that shiny fruit that will ultimately destroy them.

Lyrics to the song Slow Fade by Casting Crowns (Altar and the Door)

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

In the Company of Women

I had the wonderful opportunity to host our Zambia team for a lunch meeting on Saturday and I was so blessed by each of the women - and our guest speaker Elizabeth. I so appreciate and value the company of women. Don't get me wrong, men have an important place in my life —a husband and 2 sons and a stepson— however there is a just a different, ineffable connection with the women in my life— both past and present. Sometimes I don't understand what makes men tick and how to relate to them - especially with my teenage sons.

I grew up in a very female dominated home with my mother and sister. I had little contact with my father. My grandmother was also pivotal influence on me growing up. I was never the type of girl that had boys as friends - they were uncomfortable and foreign to me. So from my earliest days I preferred to get support, instruction and encouragement from women. I worked in an office that was overwhelmingly female for 10 years. I even tend to read books primarily by female authors. My husband is trying to broaden my horizons and has challenged me to read a male author every third book. (I am working on this!)

Thus, the Zambia trip is exciting to me from several aspects. I am thrilled to be a part of instructing and ministering to Zambian women, which I know will educate and bless and "grow" me out of my comfort zone. However, I am equally excited to share this experience with seven other women, many of whom I would normally not even know. I am looking forward to seeing how God takes each of our individual strengths (and flaws) and melds them together into a team that will mightily accomplish His will. How exciting is that???!!

Restoration

He restores my soul. Psalm 23:3

restore
verb
1.	return to its original or usable and functioning condition;
2.	return to life; get or give new life or energy;
3.	give or bring back;
4.	restore by replacing a part or putting together what is torn or broken;
5.	bring back into original existence, use, function, or position.

My soul is in daily need of restoration. This is a continual process with me - not a one time event as I once thought. "Bang! - I am restored - now go forth and live abundantly". Well it has not been like that with me. There have been seasons in my life where I have daily sought out his restoration in my soul and there have been seasons where I proceeded for many months (sadly sometimes even years) without seeking this continual restoration in my life.

Even now in a "good" season I often neglect my soul. I allow life's distractions to shift my focus to the temporal — fretting over my son's bad grades when I should be on my knees praying for his relationship with Jesus. I seek relief from discomfort or pain in temporary "non-soul nourishing" fixes — a very large bag of licorice or a shopping trip or planning a vacation. I focus on my selfish agenda of what I want and how I want it — expending much emotional energy on attempting to control the events in my life. All of these neglect my soul and pull me away from my complete purpose in Christ.

God's faithfulness is an amazing thing. Christ will return me to a "usable or functioning condition" and give me "new life or energy". This is available to me! Despite my neglect - He has the power and the desire to restore me. I just need to be willing to receive it.

How do I receive His restoration? Devoted time with Him where I make a dedicated effort to be in His presence, physically removing myself from distractions of life (the computer, the dishes, the dogs). Not just out of duty but out of a desire to be brought back in connection to the "Power Source". My soul is restored by focusing on small passages of Scripture at a time - pondering and "chewing" it over in mind and personalizing it.

Lately my soul has been restored by taking what I call "prayer walks" down along the ocean. I put in my iPod and listen to praise music (Casting Crowns and Anthony Evans are my current inspiration) and I absorb the music and lyrics as I breathe in the clear air and walk among God's amazing creation. Even though there are many other people there and I have a dog on a leash, I listen and praise and confess and call out to Him for help. Sometimes I have to stop myself from raising my hands and singing out in praise.

Must Love Dogs....and Cats

For some reason I have always surrounded myself with animals. When I was 16 I brought home without asking permission - on two different occasions - puppies. My beautiful Keeshond, Suki, got a brain tumor and had to be put to sleep several months after I got her. This lead to me bringing home a black lab mix that I named Wilkes (after Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind). Wilkes grew into a big dog with many "issues" that my mom had to deal with for many years after I left home. My mother, thankfully, was a big animal lover as well. It would not go over nearly as well if my 16 year old started bringing home puppies!

A home just doesn't seem complete without an animal or two (or four...). However my husband is not of the same mind-set and before our marriage always had outside animals only. We started with a beautiful golden retriever - aptly named Grace. The "noble steed" of the family - our family pet.

Despite Grace's delightful personality, after a few years that wasn't quite "full" enough for me and I decided I wanted a kitty to sit in my lap and cuddle with me. So we drove to Los Banos to get Zoe - a flat faced tabby Persian. She is beautiful but so skitterish that moments of petting are rare and there is no cuddling. It took some doing but I convinced my husband that we needed another cat to help socialize Zoe - and I was sure that this one would be my cuddler. Enter Sox. My boys love Sox - he is a big grey tomcat that loves to sprawl, belly up in the middle of the room or in front of the fireplace. He has helped Zoe interact better (a bit) but he is not a lap cat either.

Shortly after Sox's arrival I began to think it might be a good idea to get a small dog. I researched small dog breeds as I did not want one that barked recreationally or had a snappy disposition. I talked to people that I met with small dogs. After several years of wearing down my "happy with one animal" husband he graciously realized how important this was to me and we found Jackson - a Schnoodle (mini-Schnauzer, mini-Poodle mix). He is like a white teddy bear come to life (although a bit more work than a teddy bear). He loves just to be with me - he follows me around sweetly, he cuddles up next to me, he looks at my with these big black eyes and truly wants to please me. This is truly a blessing in my life with Kendal gone to school and living with two wonderful but somewhat distanced teenage boys. Jackson has brought me tremendous joy and my search has ended. The "ark" is full.

The Inheritance of Worry

He said, "Don't worry about it—there are more on our side than on their side." 2 Kings 6:16

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19

Last night when I was frantically cleaning the bathroom at 10:30 pm I started to think I might have a bit of an anxiety issue. My anxiety about the possibility of taking a full-time job somehow translated into "I'd better get the bathroom clean today because I might start working full time in a few weeks." The nonsensicalness of this manifestation of my thoughts made me start thinking about some root causes of my anxiety.

I come from a long long of worriers, but never considered my inclusion into their group. My mom was so overcome with worry that she could not even drive on the freeway as she was afraid of getting in an accident. Somehow she could drive on surface streets. I guess she felt the risk was not as great at 40 mph as opposed to 55 mph. I learned every back road in Santa Cruz County when I was growing up. I got used to it taking twice as long to get anywhere if she was driving me. Every once in awhile she would try to overcome the physical anxiety that she would have when entering a freeway, however she was not successful. Even when I had my daughter, she could not drive herself over Highway 17 from Santa Cruz to San Jose to see her.

At age 92, my grandmother now worries about things that she has created in her own mind and turned into her reality. She worries that my daughter (at school in Southern California) is having wild parties in my grandmothers home in Los Gatos. She worries that her 60 year old son is spending the night too often with her and not his wife (he lives 10 minutes away and spends every night at home). So even when there is nothing "real" to worry about, the women in my family will invent things to fill that hole.

But do we ever have anything "real" to worry about? If, as the verse taken out of context above states, there are more on our side (i.e., Christ) than their side (the Evil One), shouldn't we as Christians stand confident that all things that happen to us are for our good and that Christ is victorious in all that happens? That is the ideal. As humans we are afraid of the discomfort and pain and sorrow that Christ so often uses to grow us. Intellectually we all know that we can change nothing by our worrying over a person or situation and that Christ is working all events in our life for His ultimate glory. However our willful heart is often not connected to the mind and our emotions can be a strong influencer and cause our thoughts and actions to go cattywampus (see below).

cattywampus

1. (informal) In disarray or disorder; askew.

Until recently I did not see myself as an anxious person as I did not follow the same pattern as my mom and grandmother. I do not get anxious about driving or doing any routine activities. I do not get overly anxious about things that have not yet happened. However one of the things that I agonize over is the fear of making a mistake. I expend tremendous emotional energy trying to control my life so that this won't happen - and spend much time second guessing my decisions once made.

I don't know where I first heard the idea that "I am not big enough to mess up God's plans for me", but that thought is a comfort and reminder to me daily. My responsibility is to seek His will and submit to Him. If I make a "wrong" decision or "mistake", it is either part of God's plan - or at least it is something that God will work in the pattern of my life for good.