A Working Mom

I have a new title to add to my "business card". I can now add Senior Marketing Analyst to my other titles of Chief Financial Officer, Chauffeur, Maid, Counselor, Cook, Dog Walker and Scheduler.

I have joined the world of working moms. Granted I have been working outside of the home for the last 10 years and at times that was pretty stressful. Yet I almost always picked my kids up from school and was home with them most of the summer. I could set my own schedule and over the last few years was able to have a few days off to myself during the week. Now I actually have a time clock (on my computer) that keeps track of my eight hour work day five days a week and there will not be extra time off in the summer to accommodate my children's schedule.

The boys are now 13 and 16 and while I know they still need their mom, they are also in the stage of separating themselves from me. Being the researcher that I am, I read several articles on the effects of a working mom on teen behavior and several studies showed it was not a factor in increased risk-taking behaviors. It is most important to be involved in their lives - communicate with them (or at least make a daily effort) and find ways to continue to nurture them (even when they think they don't need it). I believe that I can still do this even though I miss out on several hours in the afternoon. It will also require them to take on some additional responsibilities around the house, which can be a positive for teenage boys. They are now responsible for making dinner on Wednesday nights and after an initial resistance they are a bit excited about doing this (in their nonchalant teenage way).

While this is a hard transition for me in some ways it is also exciting. I am involved in a dynamic and sophisticated worldwide industry and will hopefully be able to make a substantial contribution to their marketing efforts. I know I will grow (am growing) intellectually and creatively. And - a bit more superficially - I get to dress professionally (i.e. shopping) and may have some amazing travel opportunities. Earning a full time salary will also be helpful! However I am still trying to figure out how to incorporate all the "me" things in this new schedule - grocery shopping, exercise, errands, hair appointments, and friend time. I need a few extra hours in each day.

Work in progress....

Sometimes I get discouraged that I have not yet "arrived". I get frustrated at the fact that I am such a continual and repetitive work in progress. I was reading through some journal entries from several years ago and many of the struggles and temptations that I was dealing with then I find that I am still dealing with today. Shouldn't I have overcome and moved on by now? Shouldn't I be showing more evidence of spiritual discipline in my life? Shouldn't I be impacting more lives for Christ?

I know these thoughts are not from God. He is the encourager that wants to build me up. Discouragement just leads to self-criticism and defeat and ultimately to giving up. Why keep trying when I always fail? But I will not give up - no matter how many times I fall down I will continually turn back to the Lord and take one more baby step in His direction.

Slow Fade

It is true, we live in a body of flesh. But we do not fight like people of the world. We do not use those things to fight with that the world uses. We use the things God gives to fight with and they have power. Those things God gives to fight with destroy the strong-places of the devil. We break down every thought and proud thing that puts itself up against the wisdom of God. We take hold of every thought and make it obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (New Life Version)

I am reminded today of the sneakiness and pervasive nature of sin. Satan is so crafty - he starts out so small with a brief thought of the attractiveness of sin or fleeting feeling of dissatisfaction with what God has done or allowed in your life. Soon we allow a few minutes of these thoughts to settle in our minds and the thoughts become a bit more formed - wishes and fantasies and dreams begin. We often don't acknowledge the significance of these thoughts and will kick them out of our minds. But they come back and it progresses further until we start to question God's goodness in our life. Doesn't He want me to be happy? Doesn't He care that I hurt? Why are so many difficult or unsatisfying things allowed in my life when I am following Him? Our hearts become a bit hard and we start to turn away from the truth and the pull of sin becomes stronger and looks ever more desirable. Then when are at our weakest we are presented with something that appears to be everything we need or want - a shiny fruit that will make us wise and give us every happiness. It is the story of the Garden of Eden enacted over and over again in each of our lives. Temporary happiness that does not satisfy as we had hoped and ultimately causes pain.

I've been through this cycle many times in my life. Often I have nipped it in the beginning stages - but there have been destructive times when I have let it play out in entirety. I do not want to fall into Satan's trap again and try to daily "take captive every thought and make it obey Christ." It saddens me when I see others that I love looking and longing at that shiny fruit that will ultimately destroy them.

Lyrics to the song Slow Fade by Casting Crowns (Altar and the Door)

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

In the Company of Women

I had the wonderful opportunity to host our Zambia team for a lunch meeting on Saturday and I was so blessed by each of the women - and our guest speaker Elizabeth. I so appreciate and value the company of women. Don't get me wrong, men have an important place in my life —a husband and 2 sons and a stepson— however there is a just a different, ineffable connection with the women in my life— both past and present. Sometimes I don't understand what makes men tick and how to relate to them - especially with my teenage sons.

I grew up in a very female dominated home with my mother and sister. I had little contact with my father. My grandmother was also pivotal influence on me growing up. I was never the type of girl that had boys as friends - they were uncomfortable and foreign to me. So from my earliest days I preferred to get support, instruction and encouragement from women. I worked in an office that was overwhelmingly female for 10 years. I even tend to read books primarily by female authors. My husband is trying to broaden my horizons and has challenged me to read a male author every third book. (I am working on this!)

Thus, the Zambia trip is exciting to me from several aspects. I am thrilled to be a part of instructing and ministering to Zambian women, which I know will educate and bless and "grow" me out of my comfort zone. However, I am equally excited to share this experience with seven other women, many of whom I would normally not even know. I am looking forward to seeing how God takes each of our individual strengths (and flaws) and melds them together into a team that will mightily accomplish His will. How exciting is that???!!

Restoration

He restores my soul. Psalm 23:3

restore
verb
1.	return to its original or usable and functioning condition;
2.	return to life; get or give new life or energy;
3.	give or bring back;
4.	restore by replacing a part or putting together what is torn or broken;
5.	bring back into original existence, use, function, or position.

My soul is in daily need of restoration. This is a continual process with me - not a one time event as I once thought. "Bang! - I am restored - now go forth and live abundantly". Well it has not been like that with me. There have been seasons in my life where I have daily sought out his restoration in my soul and there have been seasons where I proceeded for many months (sadly sometimes even years) without seeking this continual restoration in my life.

Even now in a "good" season I often neglect my soul. I allow life's distractions to shift my focus to the temporal — fretting over my son's bad grades when I should be on my knees praying for his relationship with Jesus. I seek relief from discomfort or pain in temporary "non-soul nourishing" fixes — a very large bag of licorice or a shopping trip or planning a vacation. I focus on my selfish agenda of what I want and how I want it — expending much emotional energy on attempting to control the events in my life. All of these neglect my soul and pull me away from my complete purpose in Christ.

God's faithfulness is an amazing thing. Christ will return me to a "usable or functioning condition" and give me "new life or energy". This is available to me! Despite my neglect - He has the power and the desire to restore me. I just need to be willing to receive it.

How do I receive His restoration? Devoted time with Him where I make a dedicated effort to be in His presence, physically removing myself from distractions of life (the computer, the dishes, the dogs). Not just out of duty but out of a desire to be brought back in connection to the "Power Source". My soul is restored by focusing on small passages of Scripture at a time - pondering and "chewing" it over in mind and personalizing it.

Lately my soul has been restored by taking what I call "prayer walks" down along the ocean. I put in my iPod and listen to praise music (Casting Crowns and Anthony Evans are my current inspiration) and I absorb the music and lyrics as I breathe in the clear air and walk among God's amazing creation. Even though there are many other people there and I have a dog on a leash, I listen and praise and confess and call out to Him for help. Sometimes I have to stop myself from raising my hands and singing out in praise.

Must Love Dogs....and Cats

For some reason I have always surrounded myself with animals. When I was 16 I brought home without asking permission - on two different occasions - puppies. My beautiful Keeshond, Suki, got a brain tumor and had to be put to sleep several months after I got her. This lead to me bringing home a black lab mix that I named Wilkes (after Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind). Wilkes grew into a big dog with many "issues" that my mom had to deal with for many years after I left home. My mother, thankfully, was a big animal lover as well. It would not go over nearly as well if my 16 year old started bringing home puppies!

A home just doesn't seem complete without an animal or two (or four...). However my husband is not of the same mind-set and before our marriage always had outside animals only. We started with a beautiful golden retriever - aptly named Grace. The "noble steed" of the family - our family pet.

Despite Grace's delightful personality, after a few years that wasn't quite "full" enough for me and I decided I wanted a kitty to sit in my lap and cuddle with me. So we drove to Los Banos to get Zoe - a flat faced tabby Persian. She is beautiful but so skitterish that moments of petting are rare and there is no cuddling. It took some doing but I convinced my husband that we needed another cat to help socialize Zoe - and I was sure that this one would be my cuddler. Enter Sox. My boys love Sox - he is a big grey tomcat that loves to sprawl, belly up in the middle of the room or in front of the fireplace. He has helped Zoe interact better (a bit) but he is not a lap cat either.

Shortly after Sox's arrival I began to think it might be a good idea to get a small dog. I researched small dog breeds as I did not want one that barked recreationally or had a snappy disposition. I talked to people that I met with small dogs. After several years of wearing down my "happy with one animal" husband he graciously realized how important this was to me and we found Jackson - a Schnoodle (mini-Schnauzer, mini-Poodle mix). He is like a white teddy bear come to life (although a bit more work than a teddy bear). He loves just to be with me - he follows me around sweetly, he cuddles up next to me, he looks at my with these big black eyes and truly wants to please me. This is truly a blessing in my life with Kendal gone to school and living with two wonderful but somewhat distanced teenage boys. Jackson has brought me tremendous joy and my search has ended. The "ark" is full.

The Inheritance of Worry

He said, "Don't worry about it—there are more on our side than on their side." 2 Kings 6:16

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19

Last night when I was frantically cleaning the bathroom at 10:30 pm I started to think I might have a bit of an anxiety issue. My anxiety about the possibility of taking a full-time job somehow translated into "I'd better get the bathroom clean today because I might start working full time in a few weeks." The nonsensicalness of this manifestation of my thoughts made me start thinking about some root causes of my anxiety.

I come from a long long of worriers, but never considered my inclusion into their group. My mom was so overcome with worry that she could not even drive on the freeway as she was afraid of getting in an accident. Somehow she could drive on surface streets. I guess she felt the risk was not as great at 40 mph as opposed to 55 mph. I learned every back road in Santa Cruz County when I was growing up. I got used to it taking twice as long to get anywhere if she was driving me. Every once in awhile she would try to overcome the physical anxiety that she would have when entering a freeway, however she was not successful. Even when I had my daughter, she could not drive herself over Highway 17 from Santa Cruz to San Jose to see her.

At age 92, my grandmother now worries about things that she has created in her own mind and turned into her reality. She worries that my daughter (at school in Southern California) is having wild parties in my grandmothers home in Los Gatos. She worries that her 60 year old son is spending the night too often with her and not his wife (he lives 10 minutes away and spends every night at home). So even when there is nothing "real" to worry about, the women in my family will invent things to fill that hole.

But do we ever have anything "real" to worry about? If, as the verse taken out of context above states, there are more on our side (i.e., Christ) than their side (the Evil One), shouldn't we as Christians stand confident that all things that happen to us are for our good and that Christ is victorious in all that happens? That is the ideal. As humans we are afraid of the discomfort and pain and sorrow that Christ so often uses to grow us. Intellectually we all know that we can change nothing by our worrying over a person or situation and that Christ is working all events in our life for His ultimate glory. However our willful heart is often not connected to the mind and our emotions can be a strong influencer and cause our thoughts and actions to go cattywampus (see below).

cattywampus

1. (informal) In disarray or disorder; askew.

Until recently I did not see myself as an anxious person as I did not follow the same pattern as my mom and grandmother. I do not get anxious about driving or doing any routine activities. I do not get overly anxious about things that have not yet happened. However one of the things that I agonize over is the fear of making a mistake. I expend tremendous emotional energy trying to control my life so that this won't happen - and spend much time second guessing my decisions once made.

I don't know where I first heard the idea that "I am not big enough to mess up God's plans for me", but that thought is a comfort and reminder to me daily. My responsibility is to seek His will and submit to Him. If I make a "wrong" decision or "mistake", it is either part of God's plan - or at least it is something that God will work in the pattern of my life for good.