Preparing for Departure

One would think that I would not be in such an emotional tizzy by the looming event of my youngest son going to college. His father and I have been divorced since he was small and he has spent a significant amount of time at his dad’s house. I have worked outside of the home since he was in pre-school. I am thrilled that he is able to pursue his dreams in college and I have confidence that he will be successful. Yet I find myself feeling troubled, anxious, and overly emotional. I find myself getting teary-eyed at odd moments – like when I see signs advertising youth football sign-ups or when I am buying Gatorade at the grocery store (won’t need to buy that anymore) or when I see a mom and young son driving in a car together. And in not so odd moments  - like seeing him dressed up for his senior prom, watching him graduate with friends he has had since pre-school, and shopping for dorm room supplies. This week he has gone on a “senior trip” with a bunch of friends and I am getting a taste of what life will be like in a few months. Now, I have been away from him for a few weeks before when he has been with his dad or I have traveled with my husband and I am not worried (too much) about what trouble he may get into with his friends, so why does this feel so different? Why am I obsessively checking Facebook for any updates from he or his friends? Why do I have my phone attached to me at all times in case he texts? It is not fear of losing control; it is sadness that I am no longer going to be as much a part of the meaningful events in his life.

He is not to going to come in the door sweaty after a football practice or game so we can rehash the plays; he won’t be present at the dinner table so that I can try to squeeze out any information on his day; he won’t bring his friends over for impromptu board game nights……and so on.

I know that there is so much ahead of me that is not associated with the label, “Mom,” but this label has been the primary one in my life for so long, it is comfortable and already developed and defined. I am not sure what my new label(s) will look like and the uncertainly leaves me feeling a bit unsettled.

 

“It's not surprising, after a life devoted to being a mother, that an empty nest comes with it an initial psychological burden or two.”  (Hugo Schwyze)  

"It leaves you in a position to start searching again - which is a good thing. But for a while, it undermined everything. I felt it was a death of part of myself. A real depression - but you have to go through it come out the other side." (Anne Walker)  

“And here I stand, with a sudden need to affix a label to myself besides Mom ….[we are] evaluating our lives at this juncture; hoping to find real meaning in what we do.” (Risa Doherty)