The Inheritance of Worry

He said, "Don't worry about it—there are more on our side than on their side." 2 Kings 6:16

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19

Last night when I was frantically cleaning the bathroom at 10:30 pm I started to think I might have a bit of an anxiety issue. My anxiety about the possibility of taking a full-time job somehow translated into "I'd better get the bathroom clean today because I might start working full time in a few weeks." The nonsensicalness of this manifestation of my thoughts made me start thinking about some root causes of my anxiety.

I come from a long long of worriers, but never considered my inclusion into their group. My mom was so overcome with worry that she could not even drive on the freeway as she was afraid of getting in an accident. Somehow she could drive on surface streets. I guess she felt the risk was not as great at 40 mph as opposed to 55 mph. I learned every back road in Santa Cruz County when I was growing up. I got used to it taking twice as long to get anywhere if she was driving me. Every once in awhile she would try to overcome the physical anxiety that she would have when entering a freeway, however she was not successful. Even when I had my daughter, she could not drive herself over Highway 17 from Santa Cruz to San Jose to see her.

At age 92, my grandmother now worries about things that she has created in her own mind and turned into her reality. She worries that my daughter (at school in Southern California) is having wild parties in my grandmothers home in Los Gatos. She worries that her 60 year old son is spending the night too often with her and not his wife (he lives 10 minutes away and spends every night at home). So even when there is nothing "real" to worry about, the women in my family will invent things to fill that hole.

But do we ever have anything "real" to worry about? If, as the verse taken out of context above states, there are more on our side (i.e., Christ) than their side (the Evil One), shouldn't we as Christians stand confident that all things that happen to us are for our good and that Christ is victorious in all that happens? That is the ideal. As humans we are afraid of the discomfort and pain and sorrow that Christ so often uses to grow us. Intellectually we all know that we can change nothing by our worrying over a person or situation and that Christ is working all events in our life for His ultimate glory. However our willful heart is often not connected to the mind and our emotions can be a strong influencer and cause our thoughts and actions to go cattywampus (see below).

cattywampus

1. (informal) In disarray or disorder; askew.

Until recently I did not see myself as an anxious person as I did not follow the same pattern as my mom and grandmother. I do not get anxious about driving or doing any routine activities. I do not get overly anxious about things that have not yet happened. However one of the things that I agonize over is the fear of making a mistake. I expend tremendous emotional energy trying to control my life so that this won't happen - and spend much time second guessing my decisions once made.

I don't know where I first heard the idea that "I am not big enough to mess up God's plans for me", but that thought is a comfort and reminder to me daily. My responsibility is to seek His will and submit to Him. If I make a "wrong" decision or "mistake", it is either part of God's plan - or at least it is something that God will work in the pattern of my life for good.